Wednesday, 2 November 2016

Ladies, Lets Stand Together.. A heartfelt talk on being scrutinised and judged.


I try to keep this blog here a super happy place. It's not hard as ladies, you really are a fantastic bunch who support, encourage and impart compliments with ease. It's one of the many things I love about blogging: its a happy, open minded, positive environment.

There are a few things in life I am proud of, first would be my family of course, but second is my positivity towards others. I am a people-person and enjoy talking, helping and listening to others.
I strongly believe in raising others up, passing out compliments to anyone, and speaking kind words on a daily basis.
I am the person you will see in the supermarket that compliments you on your coat. I am the lady who tells you your hair looks great today, I am that person who notices and speaks it.

Why? Because I truly believe that imparting kind words to a fellow human is a great thing to do. It may life their mood, brighten their day or just make them smile. We've all been there, when someones said "oh i do like your dress" or "you look great today". How did it make you feel?
I know it always gives me the warm and fuzzies to think that person took a moment out of their day to say something nice.. to impart kind words to me.. That's pretty awesome wouldn't you agree?
Kind words cost nothing after all.

I guess because I am this type of person, it makes dealing with whats been going on harder for me, like i can't seem to comprehend why anyone would do that. Resulting in anger, tears and frustration.

The reason I'm writing this is to build awareness of these feelings and hopefully unite us ladies together. It's not a pity party for one (i've had that already don't worry, wine in hand singing "All by myseeellffff" at the top of my voice.. I'm over it and ready to positive party;)

To put a little context to this:
Lately, 'In Real Life' ( as opposed to the blogasphere) I've been experiencing some pretty bad scrutiny. Fellow women have been scrutinising my appearance, passing comment on my wearing of makeup, and multiple general 'digs'. This has been both to my face and behind my back.

Why would women do this to other women?

We all walk a tricky path juggling SO much the majority of the time, why on earth would someone think its ok to judge another on such personal things?
The judgements on me went like this:
"Why is she always dressed up"
"Who does she think she is?"
"Well she wears a face full of makeup all the time, She would never go out without it"
"Its false advertising if you ask me"
" Her boobs must be tiny!"
" Shes vain, and the job she does is just shallow"

Again Why? Why would anyone feel the need to berate another women and make them feel bad?
It honestly baffles me as i strongly believe we are all in this together.
Strong women raise other women up and believe in each other.
This is not helpful or productive critiquing.
This is just mean.

When i was a child my mum used to say "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"
But in a world of free speech i can understand people wanting to express themselves, but sit back and think.. Is saying anything derogatory actually productive?

After hitting a bit of a low, I gave in to the insults.
I sat in my saggy jogging bottoms, with no makeup and hair not done, all to make a point that no, i don't need make-up or nice clothes to go out. That underneath it all I am who I am.
Did i feel better? No, no i did not.
Why should i have to justify myself, my looks, my ways to anyone? Why do i have to be condemned for wearing makeup, just because i enjoy wearing it.
Why is wearing a nice day dress classed as "Dressed up" and the need to therefore put me down.

I have a teenage daughter. She see's my job here blogging, she sees my makeup and clothes and thinks that this is cool (sorta.. I mean I don't think she'd admit that out-loud.. 'cos y'know teenagers are too cool for that ;).
But.
I always tell her how beautiful she is without the need for makeup. I always tell her material gain is nothing in the course of happiness. I constantly try to raise her to be loyal, caring and considerate.
She has suffered at the hand of cruel mean teenage girls, and each time she does I tell her she is better than that, and that as she grows older she will see how women are no longer out to attack you, but will be there for you.
I honestly hope i'm not wrong. I hope as women we can stand together, no matter what our preferences are, and raise each other up.


As much as another persons opinion shouldn't matter, and on the greater scheme of things it really doesn't. When I put it in to context: I have a loving gorgeous husband who i adore, a beautiful blended family and a job i enjoy, so why does it bother me?
Because in this day and age, women are constantly bombarded with the media telling us :
We are too fat too thin, too tall too short, we need makeup, we need to be natural, we can do this but not that.
Surely when the world is firing at us from every angle, the real women: you, I and everyone in-between, should take a united stance together?

I got in touch with a few megababes to see what they thought on exactly this.

Here's what they said:


Vicki of Honestmum.com
''My feminist Mum gave me a badge to wear aged 4 which read, 'Women together are strong'. I've been living by that motto since childhood. I'm lucky that my Mum and other incredible women in my family were my blueprints for all the friendships and work relationships with women which followed. I'm a real girls' girl-always have been, always will be. I refuse to believe women's default is bitchiness because I've only experienced it as the exception here. 

 I say to others, be the example for others to follow-your kids, girls and boys. Don't talk about others behind their backs-if there's a problem, be candid and discuss things calmly and honesty. If something is consistently negative and destructive, walk away with your head held high.

 I think, fundamentally, friendship boils down to three things: love, trust and communication- as with all relationships. My life is so rich thanks to the women (and men) in it.'


Jane of My Midlife Fashion


Sadly I think most women will tell you that they've been on the receiving end of negativity/catty comments from others, which generally always stems from jealousy or their own insecurities. However this knowledge doesn't stop the hurt & can be so damaging to the individual.
But for every small minded person there are a lot more genuine & amazing ladies out there. Who are fiercely loyal & will support & encourage you to blossom & grow. 
For when women come together & support each other it's a powerful & beautiful thing. United we're a force to be reckoned with & anything is possible.  






Vicki and Jane have articulated exactly what I am talking about.

From this negative experience I am choosing to be positive (granted this is after the tears and anger.. but I am only human, and of course learning daily!).

Be open minded with each other ladies. Be encouraging and thoughtful and at peace with each other.

Respect for one another should be our default.

So here's my pledge.
I pledge to not speak badly of another women. I will not scrutinise someones choices. I  will give compliments freely each day and build others up wherever I can.

Who's with me?

Comment below if you stand with like minded women against scrutiny and judgement.
Have you ever been at the unfortunate hand of scrutiny and judgement for just being yourself?



Ps You Look Gorgeous today ;)
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37 comments

  1. Totally with you. I will never ever understand people and especially women who slag each other off and do each other down. We all know how it feels to receive a compliment. So why do the opposite. Sorry you have received some negativite and hurtful comments. Hold your beautiful head up high and ignore them. You are a million times better and all it says about them is they they are in happy. It says nothing whatsoever about you, your appearance or your job. It's just rubbish. Big hugs. Keep smiling and don't ever change. ��

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    1. Oh lorraine, thank you, that brought a tear to my eye. I hope this post doesn't come across like a pity party for one as i honestly mean it to inspire others to stick together, because by doing so we can achieve much better things. But i just had to include the context for it to make sense if you know what i mean. But honestly, thank you so so much for your kind words, theyve made my day xxx Wishing you a fantastic week lovely lady xx

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  2. Oh darling, firstly, I'm sad and angry you've been treated like this-it's sadly all down to envy and jealousy. When others' want what you have or the attributes you possess, they try to trample and diminish you-to relinquish your power. What they don't realise is, that behaviour is actually an assault on themselves more than you/the receiver (I was watching an expert on Oprah online say this exact thing the other day). If they channel that negativy energy on themselves, on growing in the areas they wish to prosper in, everyone becomes happier as a result. No one feels good when they bitch about others. You are beautiful, intelligent, creative confident and so stylish. You are also a true sister-you build others around you and genuinely want the best for everyone. I'm proud to have you as a friend. Please don't let anyone make you feel less than. Such a powerful post. If everyone takes your pledge, the world will literally be a better place xxx

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    1. Tears.. lots of tears. Ladies like you Vicki make me proud to be a woman. It makes me proud to be part of a bigger picture that is positivity and respect!
      In a crazy kind of way, im glad this has happened to me as I now know how i don't want to be. It reconfirms everything i believe in and makes me want to work harder to not be like the bitter people and become a better version of myself. Thank you so much , as always you are a complete inspiration! You are my very own Oprah, hahah! !XXX

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  3. PS Love Jane's words too: so wise x

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  4. As Vicki has said you really are a lovely lady & one of the most beautiful ladies I've had the pleasure to e-meet (both on the inside & outside). Always there to give love, encouragement & support to anyone who needs it & it just makes me sad that you have experienced the uncalled for behaviour that you have but equally I'm incredibly proud of you for rising above it & not allowing their comments to change or hurt you.

    I love your pledge & it's such a pity that everyone can't take the same view on life. As a mother of a son it has been interesting watching my son's observations on girls at school as he was growing up & he never understood all the bitchiness & fallings out, something that sadly seems to start from a young age.

    Keep smiling lovely lady & never change you're one of the good ones.

    Jane xx
    My Midlife Fashion

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  5. Read this with a tear in my eye, that someone could make someone else feel so bad with their words. You know my feelings but more than anything when someone puts others down I think it's says much more them than you. Lots of love xxx

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  6. I totally hear you. I'm also not a "dress down" type of person. It doesn't mean I never do. It's just I enjoy my clothes & I love wearing what makes me happy & putting effort into it. It isn't meant to be a comment or reflection of what I think of others. I know I stand out in the playground. I play with colours & patterns & I do make an effort. I've no doubt people have made negative comments about it. But what I wear is an extension of me. It isn't me. I think we all often fall into the trap of being horrid about others when we feel bad about others. I try very hard not to though.

    Like you, I like to give compliments because I know how lovely it makes me feel when I receive them myself.

    So. I think you're fab & I'm with you. XX

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    1. Oh lovely lady, you have hit the nail on the head completely. Its mad isn't it. Just because we don't 'blend in' we therefore get scrutinised like we have 3 heads. I live in a small town where bootcut jeans and fleeces are pretty much the norm, which is absolutely fine in my books. I just choose to dress differently because this is my art. This is my creativity that i love to play around with. This isn't just who i am, but an expression of how i am feeling on that day. And yes you are totally right,I too have fallen in to the nasty trap previously, but constantly try and be better than that. Compliments are so powerful, but mean words, unfortunately can be even more striking and stay with us much longer than kind words.
      Anyway, i think you are bloody marvellous my friend. Keep doing exactly what you're doing!XX

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  7. I'm sorry this happened to you. I know you probably know this already, but it's just jealously. We live in a society that gets more and more casual everyday. People wear their pjs to breakfast in a hotel or shopping at Walmart. Jeans and t-shirts are the norm for church. etc. etc. etc., so when someone dresses up, they question why. When I first started blogging one of my friends posted on FB 'Vanity is Ugly'. I can't be 100% sure she was referring to me, but I think she was. I just ignored it. But it is hard. I agree with you about compliments. I know when someone says something hurtful to me it ruins my day, but when someone says something nice, it makes my day. We all need to work on being nicer and giving more compliments.

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    1. YES amy!! You are totally right and this is exactly what i'm talking about. I don't dress extravagantly but enjoy putting pieces together and creating a look. And because i like to look "nice" Im therefore judged on this. Crazy isn't it. Funny thing is if i were to dress in my pj's and a grotty top i would no doubt be judged for that too. Some times people just like to judge others.. Which is why i wanted to write this and show that no good comes of it. Thank you so much for your lovely words and support. Its so nice to know im not the only one that feels this way. Rxx
      Ps i think you looked fabulous in your black ponhco and tan jeans.. Absolutely gorgeous! Xx

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  8. I'm so shocked, Rachel. I know it's been said before but it certainly stems from jealousy. You are a beautiful lady who takes care of herself and always looks her best (I aspire to do this on a daily basis too for no other reason than it brings me great pleasure in looking as good as I can). Try, as hard as it may be, to rise above them and remember that it's their small mindedness. Why shouldn't we make an effort and take pride in our appearance?? Surely it's better than the other extreme??

    Lynne xx

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    1. Thanks so much for your kind words Lynne, it really means a lot to me that you stopped by. And you're so right, like you I just enjoy getting dressed each day and putting my best foot forward! To take pride in ones appearance doesn't mean vanity either, but yet some people (ie me) cant do right either way i think! But i shall continue doing just what i feel is right for me and what makes me happy :)
      Rxx

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  9. I couldn't agree more. As a feminist something that really bothers me is how women can be so mean to other women. We're all humans, we all get hurt and we all know what it's like to get hurt so why do that to other people? No one should do to others what they don't want done to them. That's a saying in my country and I'm pretty sure it has a better translation to english but you get my point. Also, there's this YouTuber called iiSuperwomanii that has a whole series of videos all about a movement she created called #GirlLove and I advise you to watch those videos but also tell your daughter about them, you're both gonna love it.
    Keep on smilling! :) :)

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    1. Yes you are spot on Marta! And you're saying is also a saying here for sure!And its a saying i try to live by also. Treat others how you too would like to be treated. Its only fair isn't it. I shall definitely look at the youtuber you recommended, i always love to see and hear from fantastic women!
      Thanks so much for your comment Marta, it really means a lot to me!XX

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  10. I'm so sorry you've been upset by jealous, bitchy, small minded people. Just ignore them and carry on being you and wearing what makes you happy. I always 'dress up', I wear make in the house for me and for my partner and to hell with what anyone else thinks. By the way you always look great.

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    1. Aw thanks so much Georgina! I really appreciate your comment! I 'dress up' daily too and love it.. it makes me happy, just sad really that other people feel the need to comment in a negative way.. But as the old saying goes.. You can't please them all ay?! XX

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  11. Wow! What ridiculous and unnecessary comments! Haters gonna hate! Let them sit in their misery, you have nothing to prove, I hope you continue as you are regardless of what a very small handful of people feel the need to say.

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    1. Thanks so much Phillipa. I will continue as its just natural to me plus i just am a girly girl at heart! I love a bit of makeup and a nice day dress, sadly not everyone does apparently! But that's what makes the world go around i guess, we are all different. It would just be nice if we could all be supportive of our differences rather than scrutinise them ay!
      XX

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  12. I am in. Still love your blog and read every post, even if I don't comment. Keep up the great work and know that you have loyal readers who love your work!

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    1. Yay.. Great that youre in Kelly.. I'm so glad! And thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being such a wonderful reader, i can't even express how grateful I am. Rxxx

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  13. This doesn't come across as a pity party. What it comes across is someone who has been treated badly and is determined to make something good come out of it. Building up other women, inspiring others and making them think and refusing to be a victim but being determined to be who you are. Bravo to you,strong, beautiful lady that you are to go forward in all your beliefs and be a role model to your daughter. FYI, I am TERRIBLE at bothering with my face and hair but I think about my clothes a lot and possibly dress in a way that garners comments but I dress for me, like you do! I just happen to dress a but eccentrically at times!!!
    Take care and I'm so sorry you were the recipient of such vitriol and destructive jealousy.x

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    1. I'm so glad this doesn't come across as a pity party, thank you lovely. I think sometimes people look at others who are different and think that it is bad.. But i see different as good and so should we all! The world would be such a dull place if we were all the same. I love how you dress. I think it expresses your bubbly wonderful personality. I hope you're having a fantastic week, and thank you for your comment and continued support, it really means a lot to me xxx

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  14. You are so right, kind words can makes such a difference in someone's day! And, unfortunately, unkind words can have exactly the opposite effect. I'm currently living in a casual, yet "everything goes" place, so there is luckily not that much judging regarding what people are wearing (I used to live in a much smaller town, and I can definitely see the difference). But sadly there is still judging going on... Sadly people find other things to focus their negative energy on...

    I love your reminder to build others up, not tear them down. Each of us can make a difference!

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    1. Small towns really do seem to be a place for judgement.. sad really. We're all different after all. And like you, i am mostly casual anyway, yet still don't fit in to some peoples little boxes that they like to pigeon hole everyone in to.But if we all try to be open minded then maybe the world could just be a fantastic place. Positive energy can be so powerful, its a shame not to use it.
      Thank you Andrea,your kind words and encouragement are greatly appreciated.
      Rxx

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  15. I cannot understand why anyone would want to say bad things about you. Does it really make them feel good? Surely you feel good when you impart positivity. Like you Mum says, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I think all the lovely people I follow on Instagram or blogs are very brave to put themselves out there and share their knowledge and lives for our benefit. Recently Rachel I contacted you about veganism and you replied immediately even though you were off on holiday. I was so touched by that and felt a bit special that you had taken the time to get back to me and thankyou for that. I think you are beautiful inside and out and even though you are a snip of a thing compared to me, I still love to see what outfits you've put together. You have a beautiful family and thousands of followers who would all love to be buds with you and grab some coffee after the school run. Sending hugs and love your way. Sandy xxx

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    1. Hi Sandy, how are you? Hows the veganism going? I've been meaning to email you and see how you're getting on, but alas.. time eludes me, as always ;)
      Thank you so so much for your kind words and support, i can't tell you how much they touched my heart, i even read it out to my husband as it really meant a lot. Thank you for taking the time to comment, your words and everyone here have really lifted my spirits. The world can be such a great place if we all use our thoughts and words for good!
      Hope you're having an excellent day.
      Rxx

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  16. Amazing, isn't it, the power of words. I take your pledge, gladly(My Mom also was fond of the same saying as yours). I think a lot of your readers have hit the nail on the head, negative energy fueled by jealousy of some sort. I've had a long running situation with several women in my yoga class(of all places!)that are in my age group(over 60). It hurt at first, then one day my then 22 year old daughter was in class with me. Afterwards she commented, sheesh, mean girls still exist when people are in their 60s and 70s?!! They need to grow up. Then she laughed at them, and said Mom, they are pitiful. So I have learned to look at them from that vantage point. And conversely, find people that are most often overlooked, and pay them a small but sincere compliment, and just see them light up. Makes my day. And grace and love and goodness always win. I have always thought you a beautiful person inside and out from reading your blog.

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    1. Yay for joining the pledge! Madness that people in your yoga class have such negative vibes! You'd think of all places that would be a happy positive place. It just goes to show, that some people just feel the need to exude negativity wherever or whenever, sad really. I hope you weren't too effected by it, i know first hand how horrid it can be.
      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and show such wonderful postivity! Wishing you a wonderful day lovely lady xxx

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  17. I'm with you!! I think it's terrible that you've had to go through this. I'm fairly new to your blog (which I love, by the way!) and love that you wear what makes YOU feel fantastic. That's what getting dressed should be all about! It should be fun and empowering and your outfits should make you feel bloody brilliant. Those women who are bitching are probably doing so out of jealousy...your brilliantness is just highlighting their low self esteem and lack of self love. Don't ever stop. Don't ever change, be who you are and keep shinning!

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    1. Yay for women uniting instead of bitching! You've absolutely hit the nail on the head, dressing makes me feel happy and empowered! Why would i shy away from something that makes me feel good? I enjoy it and i also enjoy sitting in my silly raccoon jumper and pj's with no makeup on at home with my family. There's so much joy to be had if people just choose to accept we are all different, and that's a good thing!
      Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words and encouragement. And thank you for being a reader here (lovely to e-meet you niki!:D) Wishing you a wonderful week xxx

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  18. Totally agree, how disappointing that women feel the need to do this. If we all dressed, looked and talked the same the world would be a pretty boring place. I work in an environment where we can dress up if we want to or wear jeans or leggings. I am the type of person that feels comfortable looking nice and smart all the time whether that be in formal attire or informal attire at the weekend, whatever you will always find me making an effort and putting on make up because I want to do this for myself and my own self esteem just as anyone who does not want to do this, either way would respect that persons decision. Rachel, you seem like a very lovely person, but oh my, I am so angry on your behalf at these women for making you feel this way, which is totally uncalled for. I am glad to see that you have decided to ignore them and get on with your life and your positive outlook that you have and which I think is reflected in your very enjoyable blogs. Hopefully, these women will see the light and will make amends. Be strong and keep on looking great!!

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    1. I am the same Pauline, i enjoy dressing up(which is not that dressy, but obviously in some peoples eyes it is) Why stop doing something when we enjoy it? The world could be such a fabulous place if we all raised each other up, and i am determined to not change, but to use this for good!
      Thank you so much for your comment and i hope you're having a fantastic week!
      Rxx

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  19. I found your blog awhile ago and have gone back to read every post. It has been fun to watch you change and grow! You have inspired me and it makes me feel good to spend a little time on myself and my appearance.
    Thank you!

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    1. Oh my.. I bet you saw some funny sights looking back through my archive! haha! I love that this blog has worked as a diary and documented my growing up from my mid twenties. Thank you so much for your kind words, it really makes my day when someone feels i have inspired them, even if its just a little. Women should raise each other up, support and encourage. And this blog i hope does exactly that.
      Wishing you the most wonderful week
      Rxx
      (Ps thank you for reading!)

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